Dear God...

I decided the other night God, that I don't think I understand life. Not that anyone really does, but seriously, I feel like I am in the biggest test in my life and it has lasted...oh let's say 26 years and 7 months.

You give people dispositions right? So why give me THIS personality and THEN give me all of these trials that absolutely make me want to take a bottle full of medication and sleep it all away? Seriously?! You have to know what the fuck is going on...

And what's with this "idea" of giving it all up to you. Let you take my burden...well I thought a few prayers ago I distinctly asked for your help with this...leaving it up to you. Let you do your will, well unless your will is to keep me so miserable I decide to just give up, then I ain't feeling an easiness!

God, I don't hate you, more so b/c I am scared that if I did that I would go to hell or get struck by lightening and the go to hell.

How about this, I won't be selfish this time...

Dear God,

Please let him(you know who I am talking about God) find some sort of peace in life. I want him to smile more and laugh. To have moments where he feels like he's floating on clowds, have his dreams come true. Seriously, let his artistry be known and appreciated b/c that is what he wants. Let him entertain the people he wants. Let him bring smiles to others. Then, he can maybe honestly let what I did to him go. Not all for MY benefit, but for him. He can't stay this angry all the time or it will eat him alive.

You're dying daughter,

Me.

How's that? Will that work? I know it comes from a selfish place of my own sanity...but I NEED A BREAK! The guilt is consuming me to no end and I am sick and tired of writing stories not b/c I want to be creative but to write about a reality that helps me escape my own! My stories are drabble that aren't even worth my time, but if I don't write them I won't dream. I won't wish for anything, I will continue to be a mindless and emotionless zombie just trying to make it through another day.

This isn't a plea for help for my life...I don't see me slitting my wrists...I just want you to understand God, I think you got a piece of my story a little fucked up. I don't feel like Karma is right on this...I think the negative is sorta just coming...and coming...and coming...

Amen

And to all you people reading this...Yea, its a pity party for me, so if you don't like it...GET THE FUCK OFF THE PAGE!